Forest Creatures: The Conspiracy Unraveled

Squirrels. Skunks. Pandas. Lions. Pumas. Bats. Owls... Locked in an eternal bloody struggle for survival. Constantly at odds, and fighting amongst themselves like characters from a Charles Shakespeare play. Using one another as food stuff and a source of valuable proteins and nutrients.

OR ARE THEY?!?

I recently have come to believe there is a vast, over reaching animal conspiracy, headed up by one particular group of animals so devious, and cunning that they have taken control of the entire woodland, forest creature community. "But, Indy, what creature could possibly wrestle control from all other species of animals and rule them! The Lion? The Tiger? The Velociraptor?"

Nope!

The Gerbil!!!

These little creatures are smart, wiley and incredibly keen on the idea of the destruction of mankind as a whole. I believe they are using the rest of their animal kingdom to slowly wrest control of this entire planet we live on. Will Earth one day be called Gerbillia?!? It's a very real (and frightening possibility).

In 1947 while on a hunt in upstate New York, Charles Foster Kane exclaimed "AH! Animals! They are truly dumb, and stupid things!". I suppose that in the late 1940's this may have been true. After all, like humans, earlier generations of forest animals were, no doubt, not quite as savy as I've come to believe them to be today. They were likely far more primitive and disorganized. However we've learned recently from documentaries like the Planet of the Apes films that animals are quite smart, and more then a little desirous of turning humanity into their slaves.

This past week I had an experience that changed my mind about the simplistic nature of animals. While walking through a forested glen just south of Massillon I came upon a clearing. There, huddled in a circle about thirty yards from the trail was a gaggle of creatures. Deer, squirrel, chipmunk, polar bear, wombat... and gerbil. As soon as they noticed my presence they dispersed into the woods. It is now my belief that this was not simply a trick of the light or a daytime food-induced vision but instead one of many meetings that take place daily in our forests.

In 1773 an old German man stated "Animals, though cute and fluffy and all that, are actually really freaking smart and, seriously quite capable of taking over the world at a moments notice."

Now, here in Ohio, we have the first hints at a larger animal conspiracy. Will we soon be taken over by bobcats and sable tooth tigers? Maybe. Many historians ponder what happened to the Native American Indian. If they were real why has no one ever seen one? One of my theories about what happened to the Native American Indian is that they were possibly over-run by the very animals they hunted for food and skinned for use as clothing. No one knows what happened to the buffalo the Indians hunted so ferociously either. Is it possible the buffalo murdered all the Indian under command from a higher placed animal and then swam into the ocean? Maybe. Maybe...

I have only now begun to unravel the vast conspiracy at play here but over the next few months I will be providing my findings to you, the general, unsuspecting populace.

Information compiled by: Indy