Monday, September 12, 2011

The Seasons: Why do they do that?

It's early September here in Ohio. Unlike most people, though I didn't need a calendar to tell me that. I deduced the changing of the months the same way I do every time... by the clouds. However, that's a subject for another post further down the road. This is to tell you about the changing of the seasons and why it happens.

There are a few answers to this question of why seasons change. Why does Summer become Winter and Fall turn to Spring?!? Well, one of the reasons is migratory fish. Everyone knows the salmon likes the swim upstream. It's pretty famous thing. But did you know that the salmon swim so quickly that they actually circulate the air above the water into such a fevered frenzy that the season changes?!?

It's true. Scientists estimate that this is one of the most common causes for the changing of the seasons. "Indy, what are other causes?!?" Well, one non-nature related answer is the selling of clothing. Changing the seasons allows fine clothiers like Dollar General, and Joe's Dud Shack to sell a wider, more varied array of clothing every year. So that flannel coat you love? Or that awesome pair of chipmunk skin gloves? Thank the fine establishments you shop at for the cold weather they provide us with every year which in turn provides you with the opportunity to wear those items.

Of course everyone wants to know, how do the companies control the weather. In a recent interview Samuel Target (owner of Target stores all over the world) had this to say: "Oh that's a trade secret, guy". And there you have it.

Another reason the seasons change is that everyone loves corn. I know I do. There's nothing I like more than 20 or so ears of corn on the cob slathered in a stick of Wal-Mart Brand Butter. Now I don't know if you know this but corn only grows in warm seasons. Due to this fact, the earth is contractually obligated to give us with at least four months of warm weather. Corn Weather is what meteorologists call it. We call it summer.

The primary reason for the changing of the seasons of course is a simple one. Rainbows. Perhaps you've seen the rainbow? It's a crescent shaped, multi-colored object that hangs in the sky during or directly following a warm, spring or summer rain? These rainbows also provide our economy with gold, as anyone with a knowledge of Irish history knows. Well, since our earth is reliant on us to spend money in order to keep those fish swimming and that corn growing, every year the earth must provide us with gold. Gold of course that we then grind down to a fine powder and eventually (somehow) turn into paper money. Money that helps keep the earth operating smoothly.

It's the circle of life my friends... And the circle of the seasons.

Information compiled (tirelessly) by: Indy

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Some Food for Thought...

If you're like me then you probably like food. Well, in the wild food isn't as readily available as it is in our homes, convenience stores and Golden Corrals. Sure you can kill and hunt your own food and there's plenty of fruit and vegetables growing in the wild as well. But sometimes, even when you're miles from civilization and surrounded by acres of woods with nary a McDonalds in sight you just need to reach into your napsack for a quick bite. Here is a list of handy, ready-to-eat meals that you can keep close at hand even in the middle of no where.

1: Quiche.

A delightful quiche will hit the spot any time of day, and when eaten while surrounded by trees and fresh air and animals it's even better.

2: Ice cream.

Everyone loved ice cream. Kids, adults, disturbingly old people, frighteningly young... Try mint chocolate chip. The green color really mixes well with the grass and leaves.

3: Hot Pockets

Wildman and I live off of these when we're out on expeditions. You can heat them over an open fire or just eat them frozen. Fantastic eating...

4: Caviar

Full of valuable nutrients and minerals, caviar is a common, household food that will serve you well when you're out in the wild. It's also delectable on a ritz cracker. You can purchase ritz crackers or bake your own to take on a hike.

5: Chewing gum

You can purchase packs of this in most convenience stores or gas stations. The package warns against swallowing but that is simply not true. The truth is that the more gum you swallow the more it aids the digestive system whilst helping curb cravings and leaving you full and satisfied.

6: Long John Silver's #6 combo

A neccesity of any experienced hiker. Right up there with boots and a flannel shirt and leather hat.

7: Mexican Food

Healthy, and delicious. On a long, cold night in the dark forest you'll thank me for this suggestion.

8: Milk.

Sure anyone can go a single day without milk. But by day two you're going to be wanting a long, hard swig of that fabulous, white liquid we call milk. Take a bottle of two percent with you and leave it to cool off in the hot sun. It's fantastic.

Obviously there are a whole host of ready-to-eat snacks you can take into the wild. We'd like to see your suggestions as well so why don't you leave some suggestions for us!

Information compiled by: Indy

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


It's tiny. It's brown. It's every where. Literally. Every where. It is a substance known simply as "dirt", and it is truly a marvel. In fact, it is such a marvel that dirt is actually one of the wonders of the world. Number 93 to be precise.

Dirt is very mysterious. Ancient cultures worshipped it, and modern scientists are baffled by it. For instance a single grain of dirt could hold up the Empire State Building. This defies all laws of physics! How is it possible?!? Nobody knows!

In the 1400's a noted Astro Physicist named Ginger VonBrown stated "Dirt is super crazy. It's like the craziest and most interesting thing I've ever looked at through a microscope."

As I walk the hills, dales, and soft, dirt covered paths of my hometown I'm amazed by the sheer magnitude of dirt every where I look. Recently geologists have come to estimate that dirt covers more of our planet than even water! That's crazy because earth covers over 400% (exact numbers are not at hand) so dirt must cover a good 500% or more!!!

But what do we know about this substance? Well, the best known fact about dirt is that it is in fact the remains of human, animal (and possibly alien) fecal matter. What?!? Yep! It's true. Hundreds of years ago, before toilets were invented, humans would go to the bathroom wherever possible. Obviously animals go wherever they desire. But where does the poop go after that? That's right, it becomes dirt.

At first this may seem pretty gross. We're walking around on miles and miles of millenia-old poo. But that's okay! Everyone knows that one thing time does is cleanse things and the same holds up for human waste. Time has cleansed all the germs and harmful bacteria from our poo and created a natural base for our planet.

The other thing we know about dirt is that IT CAN HOLD UP ANYTHING!!! Want proof?!? Lets go to the photo gallery!

Under all these things is the simple object known as "dirt". Of course there's much more to dirt. When wet it becomes a substance known as "mud" which is useful in the construction of homes and baseball stadiums. Unfortunately I don't have time to write about mud today. But soon. Soon...

We should all be thankful for dirt. Perhaps it's true purpose on earth isn't only to keep things from falling into the middle of the earth's core but to show us that, yes, even a tiny insignificant turd can one day serve as the foundation for an amazing monument or structure. Maybe we should all take that into account in our daily lives...

Information (and thought provoking commentary) compiled by: Indy

Monday, August 22, 2011

Reader Q&A: Week 2

Hello nature enthusiasts! It's that time again. Time for you to ask us questions about nature that have been plaguing you. Unfortunately only two people bothered to ask us a nature question so the column is a little short this week. Hopefully YOU will rectify this by asking more questions at the bottom of this column for us to answer next week.

Read on!!!

"How do you avoid being eaten by a pack of wild antelope?" -Nathan the Lilly-

Indy: Though initially confused by this question I eventually put together that an "antelope" is NOT actually some sort of creature related to the modern Antus-Augustus or simply, the ant.

In truth, there is very little known about the antelope due to their diminutive stature and tendency to eat those observing them. It is known that they love the taste of human flesh and can carry any object up to four hundred times their body weight. They're also served as a chocolate covered delicacy in certain parts of the world. There are many different species of antelope but obviously the most deadly, and terrifying is the Fire Antelope.

In answer to your question Nathan, the best way to kill an antelope is to murder it with a can of Raid, followed by it's entire family, and all extended relatives. Followed by the ant hive. Definitely kill the queen. A little known fact about antelopes is that they are revenge-obsessed. If the entire antelope "clan" is not wiped out then they will eventually hunt you down and avenge their fallen brothers. Another way to protect yourself is to hop over their hills and colonies.

Wildman: Raid, it's pretty much the kill all. It was developed by early human ancestors that dwelt on Mount Olympus, originally used to kill Titans and Sirens, today used for much peskier creatures. The antelope. But lets get real gang sometimes that can of raid you have holstered on you hip runs out. Then what???? I would suggest the same technique Indy and I have discovered for poison ivy. URINATION. Human urin acts as a two ton anvil against these antelope, sometimes more effective than Raid but not always.
"Question... what do you do when you come across a snake in the wild?" -Linda B -

Indy: The most common answer would be simply to run. In truth, what you'll want to do is stand motionless while making a soft "coo"ing noise. This will lull the bear into a false sense of security and he will pass you by or maybe even stop and give you a gentle bear hug.

Wildman: This "coo"ing Indy is refering to is a very effective technique. but in all reality snakes travel in packs, the scientific term is a school of snakes. When dealing with the large groups of snakes, I would recomend the same tactic that indy and I discovered for poison ivy....URINATION. Human urine act as a 125,000 volt stun gun to snakes therefore rendering them useless.

Indy and Wildman Facebook Fan Page?!?

You should click on this link and then hit the little button that says "Like"!!! 

Pretty soon we'll be posting links to new videos, podcasts and whatever else we dip our toes into. Facebook is a fairly new platform of social medium but we hope you'll test the waters with us and try it out!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Hiking: Who, What, Where, and WHY?!?

No doubt you've been out in the woods a time or two and seen a man go racing past. Perhaps he was wearing a stylish-yet-useful hat. Maybe he was carrying a knapsack or satchel with some survival gear in it. Maybe you wondered to yourself just who that man is, what he was doing, where was he headed and most importantly WHY?!?

Well wonder no more my friends.


A hiker is a man (or occasionaly a woman) who wanders out into the wilderness with nothing on his mind aside from walking. The first "hikers" (called "wandering idiots" back in the 1600's) were somewhat limited in where they could hike because there weren't quite as many trails as there are now. For the most part, hikers stuck to wandering in circles around their log cabins or teepees until a horse and buggy came along and left a trail for the hiker to follow.


A hike is the act of walking from point a. to point b. Sometimes point a to point f. Occasionally you might be walking from your home to the Pizza Hut. Native Americans would hop rather than walk whilst hiking. It wasn't uncommon in the old days to see thirty of fourty navajo Indians hopping in a single file line, hooping and hollering and waving their arms in the air. A hike is whatever you make it. For instance you could also skip. Or you could have a friend come along and you could wheel barrow each other around the forest. Many is the time that Wildman and I have done this...


A hike usually takes place in forest regions around our globe. However! the eskimos of Antartica often "hike" from their igloos to the Pacific Ocean to catch dolphins for food and clothing usage. In major cities you often see men and women in suits or fancy dresses wandering about, briefcase in hand, or cellphone to ear. This is also considered a hike. In major metropolitan areas people often say "yep! I just got done with my daily hike to work!".
Hiking is also the act of pulling something up. Such as "I hiked up my pants after a potty break in the wild".


Speaking from experience, the driving motivation for hiking is usually serious emotional trauma...

Information compiled by: Indy

The Truth About Forest Fires!

“ Forest fires are started by careless campers.”
                        -Department of Homeland Security-

This statement is False. I don’t see how any of you could believe that. Indy and myself have decided to reveal the truth. Like our 32nd President Don F. Kennedy (DFK) once said. “The truth is like a slice of juicy watermelon…it’s just so good.” The truth is folks, forest fires are caused by trees overheating. Just like cars trees have a coolant system, it keeps them reasonably cool on a summer day. Every tree is filled with a special tree coolant that is filled by faries. As you know there are many many trees in this great nation, but believe it or not there are a limited amount of faries. It also doesn’t help that the FDA and YMCA have put out a bounty for faries. What they don’t realize is that with no faries the trees cannot stay cool! This is a disaster!

How You Can Help!!!
Indy and I have taken it upon our selves to keep the trees cool. You will only need a few items…
1.A super soaker
2. Several bottles of antifreeze
3.Mass amounts of courage
 I would like to encourage you to fill that super soaker with antifreeze and begin to spray every tree in your neighborhood. We need your help!

We have received this letter from someone just like you that has a desire to help save trees.

Dear Indy and Wildman,

My friends and I have spent all our college funds on helping to save trees, its so rewarding! We have a 24hr watch system going in my neighborhood, we call it the "coolant spray team" and thanks to you guys we have not seen one tree catch on fire! You guys are the best! Thanks!

                                                                                    Emma-age 12