Forest Creatures: The Conspiracy Unraveled

Squirrels. Skunks. Pandas. Lions. Pumas. Bats. Owls... Locked in an eternal bloody struggle for survival. Constantly at odds, and fighting amongst themselves like characters from a Charles Shakespeare play. Using one another as food stuff and a source of valuable proteins and nutrients.

OR ARE THEY?!?

I recently have come to believe there is a vast, over reaching animal conspiracy, headed up by one particular group of animals so devious, and cunning that they have taken control of the entire woodland, forest creature community. "But, Indy, what creature could possibly wrestle control from all other species of animals and rule them! The Lion? The Tiger? The Velociraptor?"

Nope!

The Gerbil!!!

These little creatures are smart, wiley and incredibly keen on the idea of the destruction of mankind as a whole. I believe they are using the rest of their animal kingdom to slowly wrest control of this entire planet we live on. Will Earth one day be called Gerbillia?!? It's a very real (and frightening possibility).

In 1947 while on a hunt in upstate New York, Charles Foster Kane exclaimed "AH! Animals! They are truly dumb, and stupid things!". I suppose that in the late 1940's this may have been true. After all, like humans, earlier generations of forest animals were, no doubt, not quite as savy as I've come to believe them to be today. They were likely far more primitive and disorganized. However we've learned recently from documentaries like the Planet of the Apes films that animals are quite smart, and more then a little desirous of turning humanity into their slaves.

This past week I had an experience that changed my mind about the simplistic nature of animals. While walking through a forested glen just south of Massillon I came upon a clearing. There, huddled in a circle about thirty yards from the trail was a gaggle of creatures. Deer, squirrel, chipmunk, polar bear, wombat... and gerbil. As soon as they noticed my presence they dispersed into the woods. It is now my belief that this was not simply a trick of the light or a daytime food-induced vision but instead one of many meetings that take place daily in our forests.

In 1773 an old German man stated "Animals, though cute and fluffy and all that, are actually really freaking smart and, seriously quite capable of taking over the world at a moments notice."

Now, here in Ohio, we have the first hints at a larger animal conspiracy. Will we soon be taken over by bobcats and sable tooth tigers? Maybe. Many historians ponder what happened to the Native American Indian. If they were real why has no one ever seen one? One of my theories about what happened to the Native American Indian is that they were possibly over-run by the very animals they hunted for food and skinned for use as clothing. No one knows what happened to the buffalo the Indians hunted so ferociously either. Is it possible the buffalo murdered all the Indian under command from a higher placed animal and then swam into the ocean? Maybe. Maybe...

I have only now begun to unravel the vast conspiracy at play here but over the next few months I will be providing my findings to you, the general, unsuspecting populace.

Information compiled by: Indy

The Skinny On Dew...

"Dew is one of those things in nature that is kind of like a good ice cream cone, it’s refreshing and its best served cold."
                                                                                    - Ben Franklin-

What is Dew?
Scientists say dew has something to do with air temperatures and humidity levels and such. But after reading several C.S. Lewis novels Indy and I have developed a new more believable theory. Unicorn tears. Yes that right dew actually comes from Unicorn’s tears. As you know Unicorns have been around since the dawn of time. Unicorns are extremely shy and they only eat cotton candy. This explains why there are always herds of Unicorns around, fairs, carnivals, and cotton candy factories. Notice all the dew in these areas…

What To Do With The Dew?
“Dew is as pure as mountain creek water purified 70 times”

        -An old prospector-

             

Dew water is best for drinking and bathing purposes. When you drink the dew water it actually purifies your body of all toxins and diseases. When you take a bath in the dew water you will notice your wrinkles disappearing, and also any oddly shaped moles will vanish. BECAREFUL: if you stay in the dew water too long the de-aging affect will cause you to go back to a helpless infant state.

How To Harvest Dew Water?
An industrial sponge is your best bet. Get yourself a kiddie pool (preferably with the kids out of it) and once you soaked the sponge full of dew, wring it out into the kiddie pool. Due this several times until you have the amount of dew water you desire. Its best to do this in the early morning.

The benefits of dew water are out of this world!!!

Good luck dew hunters!

-Wildman

A Suggestion!

Recently I was on a two day hike with Wildman. Normally we only disappear into the wild for a handful of hours at a time but on this occasion we headed out with some hunting spears and a tent for a 48 hour extravaganza of nature. I'm glad we did because it brought something to my attention that I'd never considered before. Something that gave me pause. Something that made me say "hey wouldn't it be cool if..."

Well, of course there's only one place to head whenever I have an issue with the outdoors. One place who listens patiently to my suggestions of things that should be a part of nature. What follows is a letter I wrote to the people who are a part of that place... and as a special bonus I have included their response.

Dear Parks Department,

Hey guys it's me again. Indy. I just wanted to write and let you guys know I love the work you're doing in our forests and rivers. I saw the beautiful trees growing down by that bend in the river where I always go and thought to myself "man, the parks department is really rockin' it this year". While I'm thinking about it allow me to thank you for the Tuscarawas River as well. I'm sure it's been a while since anyone took the time to thank you guys for building us a river so close to home but, seriously, thanks so much.

On the other hand, I was recently sprayed by a skunk whilst traversing a bike trail over in Stark County.... What the heck, guys?

Okay okay, I'll forgive it this once. My real reason for writing "y'all" is to offer up a suggestion for your forests. In the future I was wondering if you couldn't maybe grow some bigger trees. Say 10-11 feet around. I was thinking perhaps like those Red Dawg trees that grow out in California. You see, they not only would be a fantastic addition to the forest but, if hollowed out they could provide an ideal spot for sleeping. I'm just talking about hollowing out the base of the tree, obviously you can't hollow out the whole thing! That's absurd! haha

But anyway, I was also wondering if you could install electricity into the trees as well so when I hunker down in the hollowed out base of the tree for the evening I could watch my nature programs on my computer. I think this would also help with the tourism quotient of the woods and really help to make people want to come out and spend some time in the wild. Nothing like a giant tree home with wifi and electricity to spend the night in to really bolster interest in the wild.

I hope you'll consider this suggestion. Also, if you'd like to name a tree after me (since I'm the one that suggested it) I would allow that.

Thanks guys! Again, I love what you're doing out there!

Sincerely yours forever,

Indy

Here is the response I received through electronic mail...

Dear sir,

Thank you for your interest in our parks and trails. We will certainly take your suggestions into consideration and thank you for taking the time to write us with your thoughts!

Sincerely,

Parks Department Staff

PS: You do know we have nothing to do with the creation of nature, correct?

Information compiled by: Indy

Streams/Creeks: The More You Know

Perhaps you've seen a stream or know someone who has. No doubt you've pondered just what exactly they are. The fact is, we all have! After all, the stream (or "creek") is one of nature's greatest mysteries. Small, moving bodies of water that seem to come from no where and head toward... nothing.

In the old days people used to allow their horses to drink from streams but that seems to be a thing of the past. When was the last time you saw a horse? Or a stream for that matter? Are they both becoming extinct? In researching this topic by using my powers of observation, I came to find that horses in an inner-city park are a rarity... I searched high and low for a horse, even going so far as to scream "here horsie" repeatedly but was met only with frightened looks from children and threatening comments from angry parents.

Scientists believe streams stem from overflow of sewage from major cities such as Chicago, New York or Tulsa that are making their way to a sinkhole in Western Arkansas. It's a fascinating idea but I have a counter theory.

THE COUNTER-THEORY!!!!!

 

Are streams/creeks actually a magical residue from the fountain of youth?!? Yes this idea may seem strange but after sipping from a stream I happened upon in the wilds of Navarre I believe this may, in fact, be the case. How did I arrive at this conclusion? That would be giving away the secret of my deductive reasoning.

Also, upon some investigation of my own I have decided that most streams and creeks lead to a magical vortex located in the state of Ohio that leads to another world called Planet A. Again, my reasons will now and forever remain my own...

I believe this article will help and educate many of you as to the true nature of one of earth's greatest mysteries... the stream. The next time you see one I hope you'll stop, and take a long, refreshing sip of it's regenerative waters. As you do, I hope you'll whisper a word of thanks... to me, Indy. The man who granted you immortality.

Information compiled by: Indy

Elves and Misinformation

In his historical book on Elvish culture J.R.R Tolkien described Elves as being tall, thin, long-haired men and women with fantastic vision and lightning quick reflexes. I have not found this to be the case. The elves as described my Mr. Tolkein and as portrayed on film appear to look like this...

...while the Elves I've encountered appear more like this...

They  drive cars, jeeps, and loud trucks, rather and horses. They've also, shot at, chased after, and laughed at me countless times so... yeah. That whole thing where they're discribed as honorable and kindly forest-dwellers who will rush to a man's help at a moment's notice is a bunch of poop.

Information compiled by: Indy

Reader Q&A with Indy: Week 1

Every Saturday on the Indy and Wildman blog I will be stopping by to answer any of your nature-related questions. Want to know what a stick is? Or why you aren't legally allowed to urinate in a public park? Perhaps you're curious as to why I was fished out of a waste-treatment facility by local police this past Thursday evening?

Well, simply post your comments under this article (or any article really) and I will do my best to answer them next Saturday. This week we didn't get any comments at all so I have answered some questions that I often ask myself.

Read On!

Question: What is a caterpillar?
Answer: The modern caterpillar is the closest remaining relative of the mythical "dinosaur". I realized this fact after trailing one for over seven hours and watching it take part in various activities (such as eating a leaf) that really reminded me of that long-necked dinosaur at the beginning of Jurassic Park.
The Caterpillar isn't dangerous... OR SO YOU'D THINK!!!? I posit, however, that the caterpillar may secrete a fluid known as Asidmenovenom... or "Death Juice" that can burn through any surface in less than .2 seconds. I based this on no real fact.

Question: Where are all the bears?
Answer: Scientists would have you believe that bears don't live in this part of the world (specifically Northeastern Ohio) but they'd be DEAD WRONG. Not only have we seen numerous Panda bears nearby whilst on various trips into the wild but I once saw a bear in the wilds of the Akron zoo. Hey scientists! If bears don't live in Ohio how'd they find him and put him in that cage?!? You think he just magically appeared there?!? Idiot scientists...

Question: How do you make coffee in the wild?
Answer: Tree Bark and a fire. A nice hat for filtering water.

Question: Where have all the cowboys gone?
Answer: ...

Question: Do you have any plans to ever buy a patch of land for use in nature conservancy?
Answer: The fact is that owning your own land is a dream of many Americans. Sadly only 1 in a million Americans ever end up buying and owning ANYTHING let alone a patch of land. As much as we'd love to own a place named "Dreamy Acres" (we've already given a lot of thought to this idea) it's just not possible on our current income as adventurers.

Question: Why?
Answer: Shrubbery.

Join us next week when we give YOU the READER the opportunity to ask Me, INDY, your nature-related questions.

Fly Fishing: Why?

There are many forms of fishing. Spear, Dynamite, Dog, Pet Pteredactyl, and of course baseball bat are all common forms of fishing. If you've followed our work for any length of time (or just scrolled down this page) you've no doubt seen our video on some of the various forms of fishing. Those were all crude forms though. Today we're talking about a type of fishing that is done with a rod and wheel called "fly fishing".

Now first of all, the term "fishing" is a little misleading. Yes, you're using a "fishing" rod but you're not catching fish. For years, while searching for lost episodes of Wild Wild West or Dallas on tv, I would happen upon the sporting or outdoors channels and see these men standing in a stream and repeatedly casting and then recasting their fishing line.

This struck me as odd. You see, in normal every day fishing you simply throw a large bucket of mice into any body of water, dip a stick into the water, and then wait for a fish to bite the stick. This is standard fishing. Duh. But fly fishing? That confused me.

Until I realized the point. Now maybe you're thinking "hey, Indy, why didn't you just ask wikigooglia what fly fishing is?". Well, obviously a true nature enthusiast will learn all he can from the great outdoors by simply observing.

And that is how I learned why it's called "Fly Fishing".

There's a technique to fly fishing. You must be quick, and nimble like a cheetah or a baby Tarzan. You take a rod, with string, and cast it into the air repeatedly. To the end of the string you will have attached a hook. If a hook is unavailable you may attach a nail, preferably rusted.

Then you just start slinging. Fast as can be at thin air. The sole object being to catch flies.

"But, Indy, why would I catch flies?!?" you're probably asking.

Simple. They make a delectable treat. You can fry them, roast them, broil them... even eat them raw. Many is the time that Wildman and myself have been in the wilds of Northeastern Ohio and we have had to survive by fly fishing.

Hopefully this will serve you in future hiking expeditions should you find yourself lost and alone without food. Or simply fly fish as a fun game. You might not catch anything but you'll learn something about nature and yourself.

Information compiled by: Indy